A MESSAGE FROM AGENT PHILLIPS

Late last night we received a strange email from a football agent that goes by the name, “Agent Phillips”. He asked us to pass on this information about one of his clients, Jeff Tap. If there are any clubs interested in Tap then please get in touch with Agent Phillips, his twitter is @WalesWorstAgent.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to bring to your attention the availability of my client, Jeff Tap.

Jeff is a strong, no-nonsense defender who can play in the libero/sweeper role or as a more traditional centre back. He is a very strong defender who is capable of tackling a horse, should he need to. In fact, in a training session, he once headed a medicine ball over a leisure centre. At 6 foot 4 and 10 stone, he is seen by some in the game as a bit lightweight but he more than makes up for this with his aggression. He was once described by the Western Mail as the most dangerous man to come from the Gwent valleys. Please don’t let the fact that this story, which had nothing at all to do with football, put you off. It was just a misunderstanding and he just so happened to find himself in the same place as 12 unconscious policemen. We won’t dwell on that.

He started his career in the Bristol Rovers academy before a transfer to Rochdale’s academy shortly before his 17th birthday. He made several appearances for Rochdale’s first team between suspensions and was loaned to Limavady United in the Northern Irish Premiership, helping them qualify for their first European adventure. His loan was extended for the European campaign, where he was named man of the match against Neftchi Baku. It was in this game that he became a household name. His rhino-like charge sent the Azeri club’s striker flying over the advertising hoardings and into the portacabin club shop placed inexplicably close to the touchline. Such was the force of the tackle, the striker flew through the portacabin causing it to partially collapse. The delay of the game put the Baku side off their stride and enabled Limavady United to hang on to a famous win.

Jeff was unfortunately banned for some time due to that incident. He was even being threatened with extradition to Azerbaijan at one stage. Rochdale felt they had no other option but to cancel his contract. Despite his promise, Jeff was unable to find a club due to being on Interpol’s most wanted list for causing a partial stadium collapse.

He was last signed with Mynydd Llandegai, a place where he thought he would be able to play without attracting too much attention. He has managed to keep his head down and has played a vital role in the teams fight against relegation. He only managed to accrue an 8 game suspension for an incident during a game at Llandudno Junction that led to a derailment of a train.

He would fit in to your side as a sweeper, his ability to bring the ball out from the back and play a killer pass is second only to his ability to get on the wrong side of the law.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Agent Phillips

Find me on Twitter: @walesworstagent