SCREAMING INTO THE VOID VOL. VIII
This first appeared in issue #8 of Alternative Wales. To read more, subscribe to the magazine for 2023 on our online shop.
It's been a completely nonsensical few months on these islands, with the queen of England passing away and all the britnat batshittery that came with that. The position of Prime Minister has changed hands more often than a porno mag in the woods. There's been more cabinet reshuffles than over at Marie Kondo's gaff. The war in Ukraine rages on with no sign of peace, there's been Just Stop Oil protests where people have been launching everything from mash potato, minestrone soup and human shite at various art installations. Rail and mail strikes continue and the british economy very nearly collapsed after a disastrous mini-budget.
These are just some of the events that i could get stuck into in my piece this month, but I shan't be doing that. This is the last 'zine' before Cymru bach embark on our first World Cup in 64 years, so instead I'm gonna abandon any screaming, ranting, raging and so on regarding current affairs, and I'm going to don my prophesisng hat. As a self-proclaimed prophesiser and mystic (I have a remarkable(y shite) history of (un)successfully predicting future events. You only have to look back about two or three issues to see that I (in)correctly predicted that the world would end as we know it well before the Qatar World Cup as Nuclear Armageddon was inevitable.
Anyway, enough bragging about my (in)abilities as a modern-day Nostradamus. Time for me to give you my absolutely PRECISE & CONCISE prediction of how the FIFA WORLD CUP 2022 in QATAR will unfold. Buckle up, strap in, let me begin.
LIEUTENANT COOLS OFFICIAL WORLD CUP 2022 PREMONITION*
*This premonition for exactly how the World Cup will play out came to me as I walked around some woodlands near Myddfai (on the outskirts of Llandovery, potential hosts of FIFA World Cup 2030) and contrary to popular belief, did not involve the consumption of any fungi or equivalent plant with hallucinogenic properties.
The World Cup will commence with a major shock as Qatar defeat Ecuador by one goal to nil. There will be a lavish opening ceremony where a man dressed as a 20ft tree plays '(I can't get no) Satisfaction' on a giant Theremin while £20 trillion pounds worth of fireworks are let off. these fireworks will produce an overwhelming mist, which will have a massive effect on the outcome of the game. Qatar will benefit as their goal will come from a player that is clearly offside, however VAR and the numerous cameras will be unable to overcome/penetrate the mist to provide enough conclusive proof that the goalscorer was in an offside position. Cue pandemonium as Qatari fans produce an extraordinary racket, using stylophones, as they attempt to rival South Africa's Vuvuzela for the most annoying atmospheric device/instrument.
The next day of the tournament sees Wales start their campaign, and I’m sorry to say, they kick off with the dullest of dull 0-0 draws against the United States. A steady, if uninspiring start to proceedings, but the anthem is on a par with Bordeaux 2016, and the atmosphere is lively, despite a few thousand Welsh men and women clearly feeling the adverse effects of the frankly ballistic heat. There is however delirium in the ground from England suffering a 1-0 defeat to Iran earlier in the day, with Harry Kane picking up a tournament ending injury. Harry Maguire is arrested and detained later that evening for throwing a Vienetta into traffic. He will latterly be sentenced to 75 years in jail for said offence. Ingerlund go on to claim a narrow victory over the US, while Wales beat Iran in a nervy encounter in 40-degree heat. 2-1, Bale and Rambo, bedlam. It all comes down to the England game. Wales win it 5-0. Martin Tyler is commentating on some Asian Sports Network and scream “AND IT’S FIVE!!!” as Rubin Colwill scores from 30 yards past England's surprise first choice goalkeeper, Peter Shilton. Wales are through, top of the group. England out in 3rd place after Iran defeat the USA.
There aren’t too many other shocks to report during the group stages, although Holland have to call up Collins John after every other striker in Holland suddenly becomes unavailable, in a bigger mystery than what the hell the lyrics are to Moby’s seminal hit “Natural Blues”. They finish 2nd behind Qatar in Group A, meaning that’s who Wales face next. Wales win 1-0. The Netherlands finally defeated, and at a World Cup no less. Anyway you can probably guess where this whole thing is going, but yes Wales win the whole bloody thing. We beat Brazil in the final after beating Germany on pens in the semis. Bale finishes the tournament with the Golden Boot. Wales then immediately becomes independent, Rob Page as overlord/President and everything is absolutely fucking brilliant. And it’s Christmas in a week. Then Putin nukes us all to smithereens, which is an even bigger shame as Kieffer Moore has just been signed up to play the lead role in a Hollywood blockbuster about a Mega Cuttlefish or something like that.
So there we have it. That probably won’t happen. Not a single part of it. But I hope you enjoyed thinking about it, apart from the Nuclear War bit. Be good if we won it wouldn’t it? As I’ve said all along, I’ll be delighted just to see us score a goal at a World Cup, and we’ll go from there. Small-time thinking, some might say. To them I say, fair enough.
For anyone travelling out to Qatar, I’ll see you there. We can raise a can of Lilt together and hopefully have a great time, despite the heat/limited alcohol/disastrous human rights. Stay safe if you are travelling out, raise those voices and make Cymru proud as always. Remember, it may be riskier than sneezing during a bout of diarrhea to celebrate too vigorously in a country with such stringent ‘morality laws’, but enjoy the carnival, and make the most of this World Cup, as we’re in no way guaranteed of making another one in some of our lifetimes.
If you aren’t going, enjoy the freedom of being able to chin several comparatively inexpensive pints when Baleo ripples a pearler into the net, and enjoy watching every game of this festival of football, which is a luxury not afforded to us mugs actually going as apparently the BeIn subscription out in Qatar is too expensive for most establishments to afford.
If you’re going to Tenerife to watch it, like I know many are planning on for a cheaper alternative of watching the football in blazing winter sunshine, keep your eyes peeled for flying patio furniture when we take the saeson to the cleaners.
I’m hoping my next piece for this fanzine won’t be diary entries from a Doha jail cell, but at least it would provide better content than whatever it is I’ve just written.
I’ll go back to the obligatory screaming into the void for the next issue, unless we actually go and win the bloody thing. Why not? Little old Wales, Cymru bach, Champions of the World, Imagine?
As a much wiser man than me once said, don’t be afraid to have dreams.
I’m off to the shops to get my factor 50. See you on the other side. Come on Cymru!
Cariad mawr
Lt Qool.